melodrama. November 27, 2007

I totally ditched all my classes today. I’m going to kick myself in the ass because I’ve gotta make them up during the week so I won’t be considered absent, but still. It was a nice day consisting of a whole lot of nothing. And now I’m determined to stay up ALL night for no reason at all. Just because I can. I’ve only got . . . 5 hours til I’ve gotta get showered up and dressed for the day.

I’m not enjoying school this semester. I mean I love what I’m doing, I love being at SVA, it’s just that most of my classes I am absolutely not feeling. Like my imagemaking class, there’s WAY too much work for it to be considered an elective. Seriously. And work I’m not even into, it’ll do nothing for my portfolio. I’m definitely dropping it and taking more advertising classes next semester. So I’ve got a bit of schedule tweaking to do.

In other news. I’m a lazy piece of shit. Seriously. Well the guys working in my house make it fucking annoying to be doing ANYTHING at home. They’re all over the damn place, banging away. It’s been like this for so long, get the fuck out already.

Unrelated: I’ve really gotta talk about this song, Autographs and Apologies (by, obviously, Motion City Soundtrack). This sound makes me sick to my stomach, in the most pleasant way. It just gives me this nervous feeling and it hits me really hard, and when I’m nervous and anxious I feel like puking, so by association A&A makes me want to puke. In the best way possible. The lyrics, his voice, the MUSIC, the instruments, the beat, every single thing. The first time I heard this song I had such an eerie feeling come over me. It’s truly undescribable. Just, like . . . picture every possible emotion you could ever in your life feel, and then picture each one all at once rushing and crashing into you. Like they are waves from torrential winds and they are crashing into you and pulling you into the depths. I feel everything at the same time it’s absolutely unbeliev(e?)able. Every single syllable of that song is the epitome of me. There’s just no other way to put it. It’s so strange. I couldn’t even pick a favorite line from it. It’s gotten to the point that the song is so special to me that I try to listen to it as little as possible so that feeling of EVERYTHING never wears away. It’s amazing that after hearing something more than hundreds of times, I can still be brought to tears. And nobody would understand because … it’s not them. It’s the equivalent of watching a home video of the most emotion-evoking moment of your life, OF you, and to you it’s everything, and to someone who doesn’t know you it doesn’t mean anything. That’s really the only way I can put it. I don’t know. It’s scary. I want a tattoo that says “At least I tried” somewhere.

Autographs and Apologies was also the first song that got me to truly love Motion City Soundtrack. It really sealed the deal for me, it was the solidifier of my fanhood. And I know to the people that know me it’s like stupid that I like them so much, but it’s just so hard to explain. It really really means something to me, their music, just knowing that there are other people out there that suffer with the same thoughts that you do, it’s really comforting, and at the same time, listening to their music, I can kind of cope with my own demons. It’s a means of escape, but also of confronting the problem. I mean there are no real problems, it’s mainly just in my head, but that’s what makes it so hard. I know no other way. And on the one hand I feel like I’m dying here, that I’m not out living and doing things 19 year olds should be doing. But on the other, I don’t want to be doing those things. I’d rather think than act. I’d rather explore things and situations in my head than go out and act stupid with people I don’t really care about. And I don’t know if that’s okay, or if I’m digging my own grave. I mean it’s not like I’m ultra fucked up. I’m out all the time, school, work, I see my friends alllllll the time. But what I cherish most is when I’m alone. I like it at this time of night, just sitting in my living room when everyon else is sleeping, blasting music through my ear phones and feeling like I’m the only one alive in the world. I guess it’s very Indoor Living-esque. Another MCS reference. This is what I mean, THIS IS MY LIFE. This is what I know, and there’s no better way to go about describing it as making tons of Motion City Soundtrack references.

Every fucking MCS song speaks volumes to me. I wish I could channel that through my art. But I end up getting lost in thought every time I try to translate my feelings onto canvas. And I just sit there and stare at the blank cloth absentmindedly. It’s like having millions of thoughts racing through your head at the same time so in order for your brain to process all that activity, it’s gotta shut down some functions, and ignore what I’m seeing and instead focus on what I’m not seeing.

I kinda do wish I had somebody to talk to, I guess. They wouldn’t be able to stand me for very long. And they definitely wouldn’t understand how fucking complicated and complex and absolutely ridiculous my mind is. It sounds like I’ve got this holier-than-thou complex, but I really don’t. In fact, I mostly feel inferior to others. You wouldn’t believe the self-deprecation that goes on in my mind. All this wasted brain activity. Wasted thoughts. Wasted time. Wasted life. I don’t even mean that in a depressing way lol. I’m just stating the … state … that I’m in. “BLAHHHH!!!” is the only way to describe it. And the funny thing is, I kind of enjoy myself. It’s like I love hating myself? But I don’t REALLY hate myself. Only sometimes. Does that make me somewhat masochistic?

I better stop before this gets too personal.

misc. November 18, 2007

It’s 12:47am, and I’m bored, and I’ve got this blog, so allow me to ramble.

This past Thursday, me and Trish went to the taping of FUSE’s The Sauce because Motion City was/were? the guests. They did two performances and a short little interview, it was cool, what really rocked was afterward though. I mean it was only an audience of 20 people, over half of which had no previous knowledge of the existence of MCS. So afterward I figured nobody would be bothering the guys, so me and Trish took advantage and hung out by the bus to catch em as they were leaving. Justin came out first but he had all his luggage and stuff and I felt bad annoying him so I didn’t say anything, and Josh was next about 10 mins later so I got his attention and he was like “Yeah sure guys! Hold on let me just put my stuff on the bus I’ll be right back out.” and he came back, and Justin was cool enough to come out with him. And we chatted and took pictures and stuff for a good amount of time, it was really awesome. We talked about random things, they are just REALLY chill guys, you don’t feel at all weird talking to them. And they’re actually interested in what you’re saying as well, which is extra cool. Anyways, I won’t be too lengthy with this. Once they left me and Trish still hung around to catch up with the other three, Tony and Matt were next (Jesse slipped by us as we were talking to Tony and Matt!! grr. But I’ll allow that, his girlfriend was here.) Both Tony AND Matt were REALLY cool as well, it was just awesome actually talking to them. It was my first time meeting either of them (it was my fifth time meeting Justin and my second meeting Josh). Matt’s actually pleasantly talktative lol I’d never guess it by how he acts on stage hahaha. And Tony is just adorable, as always. They talked to us for a good amount of time as well, which was cool, because it was REALLY cold out lol.

It was just overall an amazing time, excellence all around. In terms of after-show action it was definitely the best so far. But I know they’ll be back soon, those guys are always on tour And they’ll be at Bamboozle and stuff so hopefully there will be a topper!!

In other news. My basement apartment is finished, I just have to buy all my furniture and bedding and towels and stuff. But that should be really exciting, I can’t wait to finally move down there. As of now they’re working on the bathroom upstairs, which is a pain in my fucking ass because I still sleep upstairs and all my clothes are up there and everything, and now my room is covered in dust and I have Chinese men going in and out of it, it’s just awkward and unpleasant.

This particular post is really quite boring, I apologize for that. Oh well, your fault for reading it. I’m out of things to say. G’night.

*Insert Angry Face* November 17, 2007

I should first mention that I am not awake. This is my subconscious mind speaking, and I will have no recollection of writing this post about two hours from now when I’m actually alive.

I kid kinda. But I do have this terrible problem where I can’t remember ANYTHING that happens while I’m still in bed. An instance:
Mom: Krista, want to say hi to Noelle (my pregnant godmother)? She’s on the phone.
Me: No.

I WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY SAY THAT. And I woke up later on and my mom told me about it and I can’t remember that EVER happening. Also, the other day, I allegedly slept through my alarm, my sister yelled at me to turn it off, I dropped my phone on the floor, stared at it for a while, proceeded to pick it back up and place it on my desk, and then fell back asleep. WHAT?

Okay but that was off topic. What I wanted to talk about was how I was RUDELY woken up this Saturday morning by the freakin construction workers that are workin on my house. First they did the basement which was fine cause I’m on the second floor, but NOW they’re working on the second floor and coming in and out of my room! I’m set to have the basement apartment but they refuse to give me any sort of time to move because they just wanna finish their work. BUT COME ON. It pisses me off. And like . . . I come downstairs after being woken up, and some of them are already shutting our water off. I just slept w2038523095823 hours and they’re shutting the water off on me. I can’t wash my face, use the bathroom, take a freakin shower. ANYTHING. I’m so completely pissed. I’ll probably purposely injure somebody today.

I’m really tired. And I refuse to talk to anyone. I just want to brush my teeth, man. THIS IS MISERABLE.

whoa. November 14, 2007

It’s been a while, huh. With school and work and everything, I haven’t had a chance to update. That’s a complete lie. I have, but I just never have anything write about anymore. I mean I have everything to write about but nothing I can really put into words. That’s the thing with my thoughts, I can never express them. It’s a horrible dilemma. I’ve got so much to talk about, but I don’t know how to go about doing so. I thought that by starting up this blog, I’d begin to be able to express myself in a clearer and more relatable fashion. That hasn’t yet worked, though. Maybe if I wrote more often. I don’t know.

My current obsession is The Worst Part, by Motion City Soundtrack. I could listen to it forever, and each time I hear it, it’s like the first. I love when something is so good and so true that you could never tire of it. It’s just like a really good book, i.e. To Kill a Mockingbird, or The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I could read them over and over, and FEEL what’s meant to be felt just as much as the first time. That’s been a huge thing with me lately, feeling. I guess that’s how I would describe my thoughts, and why I can’t put them into words. It’s because I just feel them. I don’t know if anyone can understand what I mean by that, but if you can, then I’d really like to know you.

Music is such a huge thing in my life, especially right now. I mean … there’s nothing really interesting going on. Sure, I’m going to school, working, whatever, trying to accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself, and yeah, I’m stoked about the career I’m preparing myself for at SVA, and I’m stoked about my advertising class and just trying to absorb everything so I can one day be great at what I do. But that’s a certain type of important, and other types of important are missing from my life. I’m talking about things like human relationships. I’m not really feeling connected to anyone in a special way lately. I’m not talking specifically love interests. Just people in general. Sure, I have great friendships and other forms of connections. It’s just that I don’t really think anyone gets me. And I don’t mean to sound like “Ooh wow I’m soo complicated”. That’s not my intention at all. It’s just that the way I think is in strong contrast to what others think. What’s important to others doesn’t coincide with what’s important to me. And it’s kind of a weird sensation. And I’ve felt like this my entire life, but it’s more noticeable now because… well, quite frankly, I’m getting older, and when I was younger I’d always think “Some day someone will understand.” And as I get older, the days pass quicker and quicker. And I’ve made no progress. And now I don’t know if maybe I’m the one that has to change. I don’t want to though. I like being who I am, I just wish there were more people out there that could relate to me, so that I, in turn, could relate to them. It’s hard being alone.

That’s a huge part of why I’m really loving Motion City Soundtrack. I promote this band so much on a daily basis it’s ridiculous lol. But it’s just wild because their songs, in some weird, abstract way, comfort me. It’s really hard to describe, but they make me feel like it’s all okay. That it’s absolutely not okay, and everything is fucked up, but IT’S OKAY. That’s just how it is. And sometimes you hate it, and sometimes you accept it, and sometimes you want to take action, and sometimes you want to just accept it. And I’ve also been thinking about time a lot lately. How, in retrospect, it seems like everything just flashes by. But when it’s happening it’s forever. Anticipation is forever, and then in a single moment, what you’ve been anticipating is over with, and all you’re left with is the memory of when you waited so long for it. Oftentimes, you can’t even remember said event as well as you can remember just waiting for it to occur. And such is how people’s lives go by. Every life is completely the same, in different ways. We all get to the same place eventually. Which is related to the song of the moment I mentioned previously. Just lines like “All the same sad lives. All the love that disappears. We are aching bones and wasted years. We are few regrets, save for every night alone in the sinking ship and haunted home.” and “I carried the world just as far as I could but the damage had taken its toll.” And isn’t that exactly what we do? Carry the world on our shoulders for as far as we can. Exactly how much can we, as individuals, as people, take?

“But every sound gets washed away, we wash away. We are not that strong, we have almost disappeared. All the love we shared was destroyed years ago. All the days and nights, days of heaven, nights of knives as the clockwork creeps on useless lives.”

But in the end . . . “I did everything right, I did everything I thought was right.” As long as you can honestly say that, then everything is okay. You did what you could, and nobody could ever ask for more.

It’s one of the most powerful songs I have ever in my life heard, just because of how it speaks about humanity. Justin Pierre is a lyrical genius. I am consistently shocked by how well he can place letters next to each other that form beautiful words that form intricate sentences about the truths of life, love, humanity, and above all, self. His lyrics possess such an eerie quality of raw and absolute truth that I just feel chills every time I sit down and think about it.