A couple days ago I decided I should watch more music videos, and chose to view Modest Mouse’s Little Motel for the first time. I have not stopped thinking about it since. It is quite possibly the saddest and most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Since then, I’ve rewatched it two times, and have cried like a baby all three. And what makes me more sad than anything was that I don’t cry about anything that goes on in my physical, personal life. I can’t remember the last time I had a good cry. It took a depressing video about a child dying and his mother dealing with it in her own way to get any sort of emotion out of me. And that’s sad. I’ve become cold and emotionless, and I’ve consciously made myself this way. I don’t let anyone near enough to my heart to hurt me. But pain is what makes us feel alive. Pain is what makes us real and human. And why am I cutting it out of my life? It’s not better to be a barren slab of flesh. I’m missing out on the bittersweet beauty of raw emotion, be it heartbreak, disappointment, longing, or anything on the sunnier end of the spectrum.
I’m wasting my being. I saw an ad today that said “Life is not a spectator sport”. It’s time for me to get off the bench and jump in the game.
